Hey friend,

We are socially driven creatures who have a psychological need to be accepted; and we need to feel that we belong — in our families, workplaces, friend groups, spiritual organizations, universities, hobby groups, political parties, cities, and the list goes on. The case is made when you consider the immense popularity of social media. People (regardless of age) desperately want to be accepted, even if acceptance is from a group of strangers.

It’s important, however, to differentiate between belonging and fitting in. Fitting in usually involves putting on a mask and pretending to be someone you are not. This may earn you ‘friends’ but will leave you feeling empty. Forming strong bonds and feeling that you belong are major contributors to your happiness and well-being; they also help us handle the things that life throws at us.

Many of us are proud of our ability to adapt to any situation. But think about how trying to fit in can influence our ability to form strong bonds.

• When we don’t feel accepted, we have to ask ourselves if it’s because we are holding back and haven’t shown our true selves.

• When we’re frustrated that we haven’t been heard or understood, we have to wonder if it’s because we’re not saying what we think or believe but instead adjusting our language to fit the group.

By trying so hard to fit in, we are robbing ourselves of the opportunity to form real, honest healthy connections. By trying so hard to fit in we are sacrificing belonging.

Longing for Belonging

Belonging refers to a deep connection with individuals and social groups and requires you to show your true self.  This can be uncomfortable, especially if you’re someone like me who spends way too much time worrying that others won’t like the real me. It’s exhausting! I have slowly revealed my true self to my significant other. I sing (far too often and way off-key), give small ducks to random people, and frequently make up stupid jokes — but. he laughs, whistles, claps, and, in general, cheers me on. It’s hard to be someone you’re not. So show your real self — you’ll radiate to the right kind of people.

Remember:

• Superficial relationships (even if you have 100s) won’t contribute to your happiness and success. In this case, more is not necessarily better.

• The quality of your bond is what is important. A few genuine relationships are all we need.

• Belonging won’t occur unless you express your true self and allow others to do the same.

• Effort is the key to belonging. The first interaction may be awkward, but it will get easier with each exchange and dissipate when you realize that others share the same fear.

• The Benefits of Belonging. If we feel others support and respect us, we can share our authentic selves and reach our full potential — in all realms of life (work, school, etc.).

• You may not always feel like these are “your people.” They may be, though. Be open-minded. Think about the unlikely friendships between Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg or Mariah Carey and Will Farrell.

^{Get in where you fit in or fit in once you get in}

Most people struggle, at times, with forming connections — it is not uncommon for freshmen, new employees, or members of a new social group to feel that they do not belong (belonging becomes an issue any time we enter a new environment).

But belonging is not a passive sport, it requires effort on your part. The next challenge suggests some ways to increase belonging. You may want to start small (and that’s okay). Just do something, because it’s worth it — having a sense of belonging pays clear dividends (see Science Bit).

1. Listen. We all do this, don’t we? We think about what to say next when we’re talking with someone. Try listening without thinking about the best way to respond. The upside — appreciation from and connection with the speaker. We like people who show an interest in us.

2. Find (or remind yourself of) a similarity with a member of a group you belong to and take a minute out of your busy day to connect—maybe you both identify with Jon Snow from Game of Thrones. Finding similarities will help develop those quality relationships.

3. Keep an open mind and practice acceptance. You can learn a lot from others with different lived experiences. Knowing about these differences makes you more interesting and able to relate to others.

4. Reveal (one at a time, if you need) aspects of your true self. People will still like you if you tell them you have worn the same clothes you slept in the night before or that you embellish stories just a bit (you may not want to start with this, though). If they care, they weren’t for you.

5. Join a community, family, or professional organization or club. Most cities have a range of clubs that cater to runners, quilters, golfers, bakers, bird watchers, Pokemon players, etc. Google your local chamber of commerce for a list of groups.

6. Volunteer. Choose one that fits your needs. Joining a group and volunteering are great ways to meet like-minded people and connect with your community.

7. Write and reflect. Write about a time you felt you didn’t belong (including how it felt and how you dealt with it) and then write a letter providing advice to someone who may be new to this or a similar group.