little Happy Meeting - v. 16

Hello worthy soul!

I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, more than I care to admit; and most of them are associated with that pit-in-the-stomach kind of dread. I’m sure you know the feeling. I’ve interrupted colleagues, mispronounced names, written hurtful text messages, and spilled coffee on my shirt. Sometimes, I replay the mistake over and over, thinking about my incompetence and wondering if people are questioning their decision to hang out with me. I have been especially hard on myself when my offense goes against my beliefs (e.g., having a personal conviction that “a promise made is a debt unpaid“ but skipping a friend’s birthday party that I committed to).

In a prior newsletter, I talked about the importance of forgiving others, but forgiving ourselves is just as important (albeit a bit more difficult). Making mistakes is part of life and we can take comfort in knowing that personal failures are universal. The reality is that we all make questionable judgments from time to time and do things that are against our moral standards. You know the old saying ‘'To err is human”? The latter part of that quote is “to forgive divine.” So, let’s work on the forgiving ourselves part of the equation.

Note: I have made some pretty colossal mistakes in my life — the ones contained within are those I am willing to openly admit:)

Self-compassion is always in fashion

Why should we let ourselves off the hook and give our little old selves some grace? I’ll tell you why. Because self-forgiveness is related to happiness and well-being, and, more specifically, it is linked with

• better mental and emotional well-being,

• higher self-esteem,

• healthier relationships,

• more positive attitudes, and

• greater productivity and success.

Not too shabby, eh? Despite the benefits of self-compassion, we tend to be pretty darn hard on ourselves. Why, you ask?

When there’s no one else to blame, blame it on Darwin

There are a few reasons we tend to be critical of our failures:

• It’s Evolutionary. Being critical of our mistakes may be the result of evolution. Early humans relied on others’ contributions to survive. Not to be dramatic, but a mistake may end a tribe, so we’re hard-wired to pay close attention to them.

• Strange thoughts. We often think that we have to be critical of our errors to be successful and that if we don’t judge ourselves harshly, we may become lazy or incompetent. The opposite, however, seems to be true. We can’t have a truly happy and successful life unless we learn to be kind to ourselves and forgive and learn from our mistakes.

• It’s temperamental. Some people are more affected by the mistakes they’ve made and still others can turn small mistakes into major crises (“I can’t believe I tripped in front of my manager, no one will ever have respect for me, again”).

So, what do we do?

Forgiving yourself and learning from your mistakes takes practice, but the rewards far outweigh the costs. Guilt can cause discomfort, but shame may make you see yourself as a bad person. In either case, it’s important to address it, forgive yourself, and move on — you’ll be happier and healthier for it.

Researchers have suggested the following steps to self-forgiveness.

1. Become aware. Identify the behavior you want to forgive. Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean we skip feeling bad, it just means that we need to work through these emotions and then release them once they’ve served their purpose. Those initial feelings of remorse may motivate us to make amends.

2. Be kind to yourself — you deserve it. We also need to show ourselves kindness and compassion and acknowledge our humanity — we all make mistakes.

3. Own your actions. Growth will only take place if you take responsibility. You can blame being late to work on your dog all that you want, but casting blame won’t make you change for the better.

4. Take action and express remorse. Try to make things right and restore relationships and any moral values that may have been broken. Make amends, even if you are the recipient.

5. Learn, grow, and move on. There is always something to learn from a mistake; that’s the upside of making them. So learn from your failures and embarrassing moments, and then move on and let go.