little Happy Meeting - happiness robbers - v. 8

Safeguard your Happiness

Your coworker takes credit for your idea. You didn’t get invited to a supposed “friend’s” party. Your aunt tells you you’ve “put on a few pounds.” You’re not happy and decide you’ll never talk to them again.

When you hold a grudge, you experience anger long after that person hurt you. This grudge is typically in response to something that has already occurred but can develop when you think back on it and perceive it as that person intentionally trying to hurt you whether or not they were. Adding insult to injury, we may spend much of our time ruminating about the incident, getting more and more angry with every new thought.

But, you know the old saying holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die? This means that the anger you are holding onto won’t have the intended effect and that you (the wronged) will be hurt more by it than the person who wronged you.

The nature of human interaction guarantees the occurrence of misunderstandings, conflicts, differing perspectives, and competing goals. For a good number of us holding grudges comes naturally; many even experience vivid memories of every slight and offense made. It can feel oddly good to hold onto anger, but the resentment slowly builds and can change you. It may make you cynical and negative. It’s important to let it go.

Letting it go

We have this need to feel we took the moral high ground and are “right" in our anger. But, Is this feeling worth your happiness and well-being? I think you’d agree that it is not.

• Holding a grudge likely hurts you more than the grudgee (add that to your vocabulary:)). The other person may not even know they’ve wronged you.

• Unresolved conflict can significantly and negatively affect your physical and mental health. A grudge allows negative thoughts to creep in and remain with you; it can rob you of your happiness,

• Focusing on the other person keeps you in a victim role.

• Grudges get stronger and more difficult to untangle the longer we hold onto them.

• We often don’t have all the facts. The offender may be lashing out for reasons that may not involve you (e.g., they are dealing with a personal crisis).

• We all make mistakes. Realizing that no one is perfect may lessen the impact of the grievance.

Make your living in forgiving

Fans of Arrested Development will remember Lucille famously and hilariously arguing that we forget, but we never forgive. While holding onto our anger is tempting, the potential costs are so great that research shows that it is in our best interest to forgive. But forgiveness is not for the offender (they don’t even have to know that they are forgiven) — the forgiveness is for you, to help release you from the burden of carrying this weight. Research shows that naturally forgiving people tend to be more satisfied with their lives (see Science Bit). But:

• It’s not just about saying “I forgive you.” It requires you to consciously decide to let go of all the negative feelings you have toward another person whether or not they deserve it.

• Forgiveness is not about being okay with the behavior and letting the offender “off the hook.” Reconciliation isn’t necessary. Forgiveness is about you. Its sole purpose is to help you let go of the hold it has on you.

• We play a role in everything that happens to us (even if it’s slight). When we reflect on the part we may have played, we can learn from it and move on.

• Forgiveness allows you to release anger and resentment and feel empathy and compassion.

• Forgiveness has been found to reduce the risk of heart attacks, improve cholesterol levels and sleep as well as lower blood pressure, anxiety, depression, and stress,

This next challenge can be used throughout your lifetime. Do one or do them all. Each will bring you closer to forgiveness and permit you to let it go.

1. Acknowledge. An important first step is to think about your anger, resentment, and frustration. What grudge(s) are you holding onto?

2. Recognize. Write down the impact of the grudge.

   1. What is the grudge costing you?

   2. How does it make you feel?

   3. How are these feelings influencing your health and happiness?

   4. What are some reasons it is hard to let it go? What can you do to overcome these?

3. Release. Write a letter to the offender and then tear it up or set it aflame. You don’t have to tell the other person you’re forgiving them. It’s not about them. This is meant to give you some closure and help you move on.

4. Relate. Journal about a time that you also wronged someone. What impact did it have on you? Why did you commit the offense? Think about how we often don’t know what situational factors may have caused another to act the way they did.

5. Remember. Think about better times with that other person. These happier memories can undercut the effect of the offense.

6. Understand (and empathize). If you know that your spouse was cheated on in a prior relationship, then his distrust of you may be understandable. Understanding can help you forgive.